my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize