Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you inspire me to be a worse person
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
