I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize