every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
