Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
