But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
