You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
