So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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