i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
