Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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