U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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