just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
