Umm I'm too high to move.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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