when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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