not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
