glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I pour the whiskey from now on
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
