Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
