Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She needs sedatives and a leash
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
