He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
