You don't have asthma, your pregnant
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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