Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
