I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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