the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
