at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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