That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
