U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
