Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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