Jerry, you need to find god
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
