mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
