Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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