Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
