My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
