I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
