It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
