hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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