There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
