i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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