He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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