btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Randomize
