i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
