Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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