apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
