my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
