i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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