Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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