we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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