Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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