i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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