Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
