At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
