If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Who died my cat blue again?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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