If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
