we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
