I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I need to calm my uterus...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
