i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
