i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
