No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
