a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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