so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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