3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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