Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
