Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
