OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
my shit smells like andre
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
