The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize