So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
