the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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