I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
