I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
