I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
